Dating, Loving, and F***ing in the Age of COVID-19

Dating in the age of COVID-19 is one of the most discussed topics amongst my patients. While the nitty gritty details of dating have changed significantly due to the pandemic, the general aspects haven’t changed all too much. According to a study by Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld in 2019 (https://www.pnas.org/content/pnas/116/36/17753.full.pdf), 39% of heterosexual couples in 2017 met their partner online. The increase in online dating overall has been on the rise and COVID-19 provided an opportunity for more and more people to try out this method of dating. With online dating come certain pitfalls include ghosting, unsolicited images, and catfishing. However, online dating does provide a space to slow down a process that can often run at warp speeds. As you begin the process of dating in the age of COVID-19, evaluate what you are seeking:

·        Why are you dating? What is the motivation?

·        Who are you looking for? A hook up? A friend with benefits? A spouse?

·        What are some of your “red flags” and “no gos?” Are there things you do NOT want out of a partner?

·        Do you know when you will feel safe enough to meet in-person?

·        How will you handle if someone wants to meet in-person and you do not?

Developing answers to some of the questions above allows you to start determining your needs and evaluate why you want to pursue the dating experience. Once these questions have been answered, then the logistics begin to change. Online opportunities now exist to have a “pre-first date” in the form of a video call that doesn’t seem weird anymore (even though it was never really weird to begin with). This is where your values begin to emerge even more. If a person wants to meet in-person immediately, do you feel comfortable with that? If not, do you feel comfortable enough to say no? Values are paramount to any relationship and COVID-19 has provided us the opportunity to show our values immediately especially when it comes to topics of safety and health. I highly recommend this TedTalk by Amy Webb where she discusses values in new relationships: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wG_sAdP0U&t=2s

This then leads to the next piece of the puzzle, what about sex?

One of the most common questions during this time is, can COVID-19 be transmitted via sexual behavior? The answer is mixed. There has been no research that has found that CVOID-19 can be transmitted via oral/vaginal/anal sex. However, saliva can transmit the virus, so kissing and exchange of fluids using the mouth and nose are not recommended at this time. Determining your risk is imperative when making a decision about sex with a new partner(s) during the age of COVID-19. Both the Oregon Health Authority (https://www.oregon.gov/oha/PH/DiseasesConditions/HIVSTDViralHepatitis/HIVPrevention/Pages/index.aspx) and Yale University (https://yalehealth.yale.edu/safer-sex-during-covid-19) provide detailed information on safe sex during COVID-19, which is highly recommended to review. Sex in the age of COVID-19 with new partners can be intimidating, but what about with current partners? We have seen a decline in sexual functioning with partnered persons during the COVID-19 era and it will be important for each person to evaluate the reasons. Some examples include:

·        Do I feel desire/arousal? When did the decline, if present, begin?

·        Are you feeling fulfilled in other areas of your relationship that impact your sexual interest?

·        How has your schedule changed?

·        How much QUALITY time are you spending with your partner? (this is my favorite question as we are all spending more time with our partners, but how quality is that time?)

·        Have you noticed any changes in how you’re feeling about your body?

·        How is your sleep doing?

If you notice yourself feeling uncertain about your energy levels, body image, desire, and even sexual functioning, reach out! There are providers, myself included, that specialize in these areas and there is a huge amount of resources available to address these concerns, especially during a time like COVID-19.

Safe Sex Tips (many thanks to the Oregon End HIV program)

Just like any sexual experience, it is your discretion to determine the risks and benefits of the experience. If you feel pressured at any point to engage sexually with a new or even current sexual partner, please know you do NOT have to engage in any behavior and your safety is paramount.

What is Sex Therapy?

So, you want to know about sex therapy? Congrats! This is one of my favorite topics to discuss and one I wish more people would ask. Sex therapy is a focused psychotherapy (“talk therapy”) that addresses concerns about sexual functioning, sexual feelings, intimacy, thoughts about sex, and a whole variety of things related to your sexual identity. Sex therapy can be done in either an individual or couples-based setting and is provided by licensed specialists who have received specialized training in issues related to sex and relationships. Now, that’s a very broad response to a very broad topic, so let’s go over some common questions patients may have about sex therapy.

• What happens in sex therapy?

  • Sex therapy will vary depending on the presenting problem, but typically treatment starts with an initial consultation and assessment where you and your provider will discuss various factors that may be impacting your sexual concern. After the initial consultation, a personalized treatment plan will be developed with you and your provider and then treatment will begin. Treatment approaches will vary, but some examples of sex therapy interventions include sensate focus exercises, sex education, communication skills training, bibliotherapy, and structured behavioral interventions. In order for treatment to be the most effective, there will be homework assignments that you and/or your partner will be expected to complete in between sessions. Sex therapy does not have a standard number of sessions, but is typically a brief treatment ranging from 8-20 sessions.

• Why would I need to see a sex therapist?

  • Individuals experience sexual difficulties in a variety of ways ranging from discomfort talking about sex, sex making them anxious, uncertainty about their preferences, and even difficulties with biological functioning. Sex therapists are specialized professionals who are there to address your sexual concerns as well as those related to sexual functioning such as anxiety, depression, or trauma. You may benefit from working with a sex therapist if your sexual relationship is not where you would like it to be, you experience difficulties engaging in sexual experiences with yourself or partners, or if you want a space to identify and change things about your beliefs about sex. There is no “ideal patient” for a sex therapist, but some of the common concerns may include:

    • Concerns about sexual desire or arousal

    • Out of control sexual behavior

    • Orgasm difficulties

    • Painful intercourse

    • Intimacy

    • Issues related to disabilities and chronic conditions

    • Sexual identity

    • Concerns regarding past sexual trauma

    • Fertility issues

• Does sex therapy work?

  • Most definitely! Individuals who engage in structured treatment for their sexual concerns report experiencing significant improvements with long-term gains even after treatment has ended. Research also has found that without treatment, symptoms rarely go away, sometimes they may even get worse.

• Where do I find a sex therapist?

  • Sex therapists are often credentialed by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) and can be found on their website. Another way to look is through a simple Google search, but always remember to check out the credentials of any provider. Sex therapists, both certified and in training, have graduate degrees and have received specialized training in the area of sex and relationships. If you are not sure about a provider’s training, just call or email them to find out if they would have the qualifications to assist you with your concerns.

• Is sex therapy awkward?

  • A number of individuals may find talking about sex to a stranger a little uncomfortable at first, but sex therapy is provided by a trained professional who has received additional, specialized training in order to provide you with a safe, secure, and confidential environment to discuss any issues you may be experiencing. For the most part, the initial awkwardness wears off rather quickly and, should it not, your provider is there to discuss any awkwardness that you may feel in order to make treatment to most effective for you.

• I don’t have to get naked, right?

  • Right! Sex therapy does not involve any type of physical or sexual contact between the patient and provider. While detailed questions about your body and sexual practices or preferences may be discussed, at no point will you have to show your body to your provider nor will our provider show you any part of their body. Sex therapists do not engage in any physical contact with their patients and it is explicitly against ethical codes.

Therapy itself is a very courageous decision to make, and seeking out therapy for sexually-related content is even more difficult for many people. If you have any questions about sex therapy, feel free to call us at 702.587.1573. We look forward to hearing from you soon!