Dating, Loving, and F***ing in the Age of COVID-19

Dating in the age of COVID-19 is one of the most discussed topics amongst my patients. While the nitty gritty details of dating have changed significantly due to the pandemic, the general aspects haven’t changed all too much. According to a study by Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld in 2019 (https://www.pnas.org/content/pnas/116/36/17753.full.pdf), 39% of heterosexual couples in 2017 met their partner online. The increase in online dating overall has been on the rise and COVID-19 provided an opportunity for more and more people to try out this method of dating. With online dating come certain pitfalls include ghosting, unsolicited images, and catfishing. However, online dating does provide a space to slow down a process that can often run at warp speeds. As you begin the process of dating in the age of COVID-19, evaluate what you are seeking:

·        Why are you dating? What is the motivation?

·        Who are you looking for? A hook up? A friend with benefits? A spouse?

·        What are some of your “red flags” and “no gos?” Are there things you do NOT want out of a partner?

·        Do you know when you will feel safe enough to meet in-person?

·        How will you handle if someone wants to meet in-person and you do not?

Developing answers to some of the questions above allows you to start determining your needs and evaluate why you want to pursue the dating experience. Once these questions have been answered, then the logistics begin to change. Online opportunities now exist to have a “pre-first date” in the form of a video call that doesn’t seem weird anymore (even though it was never really weird to begin with). This is where your values begin to emerge even more. If a person wants to meet in-person immediately, do you feel comfortable with that? If not, do you feel comfortable enough to say no? Values are paramount to any relationship and COVID-19 has provided us the opportunity to show our values immediately especially when it comes to topics of safety and health. I highly recommend this TedTalk by Amy Webb where she discusses values in new relationships: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wG_sAdP0U&t=2s

This then leads to the next piece of the puzzle, what about sex?

One of the most common questions during this time is, can COVID-19 be transmitted via sexual behavior? The answer is mixed. There has been no research that has found that CVOID-19 can be transmitted via oral/vaginal/anal sex. However, saliva can transmit the virus, so kissing and exchange of fluids using the mouth and nose are not recommended at this time. Determining your risk is imperative when making a decision about sex with a new partner(s) during the age of COVID-19. Both the Oregon Health Authority (https://www.oregon.gov/oha/PH/DiseasesConditions/HIVSTDViralHepatitis/HIVPrevention/Pages/index.aspx) and Yale University (https://yalehealth.yale.edu/safer-sex-during-covid-19) provide detailed information on safe sex during COVID-19, which is highly recommended to review. Sex in the age of COVID-19 with new partners can be intimidating, but what about with current partners? We have seen a decline in sexual functioning with partnered persons during the COVID-19 era and it will be important for each person to evaluate the reasons. Some examples include:

·        Do I feel desire/arousal? When did the decline, if present, begin?

·        Are you feeling fulfilled in other areas of your relationship that impact your sexual interest?

·        How has your schedule changed?

·        How much QUALITY time are you spending with your partner? (this is my favorite question as we are all spending more time with our partners, but how quality is that time?)

·        Have you noticed any changes in how you’re feeling about your body?

·        How is your sleep doing?

If you notice yourself feeling uncertain about your energy levels, body image, desire, and even sexual functioning, reach out! There are providers, myself included, that specialize in these areas and there is a huge amount of resources available to address these concerns, especially during a time like COVID-19.

Safe Sex Tips (many thanks to the Oregon End HIV program)

Just like any sexual experience, it is your discretion to determine the risks and benefits of the experience. If you feel pressured at any point to engage sexually with a new or even current sexual partner, please know you do NOT have to engage in any behavior and your safety is paramount.